dumbfounded

F is sick. He's a good friend of mine and he's sick. He got dengue. He was admitted since monday. He didn't even tell me! I dont know why...

When I got back from kelantan (before I got really sick), I called him. I had been thinking about him for a couple of weeks. Had meant to call him and ask him how he was doing much earlier but work always got in the way. The last time I met him was during raya in september. After that we were supposed to dine together. He promised to treat me steamboat at Johnny's, but we never got around to that. F and I, well.... we are not romantically involved.. but.. I don't know... He can be awfully annoying at times but he's a good man. I like to bully him and he let me. I guess he finds me annoying as well.. hehehe.. Despite the irritation, we tolerate each other. I remember when Acheh was hit by the tsunami, I wanted to go and help the victims. I was this close of signing up my name but he didn't let me. It wasn't that I asked for his permission. I only told him about my intention but he was really opposed to it. He said don't ask him why but he didn't want me to go. I refused to listen to him at first and that led us to a big raw. He claimed that I always underestimated him, that his say, his words were never good enough for me. According to him, I did not treat him fairly and I was a stuck up bit*h (well he used nicer words actually but the meaning is just the same!). We were not in speaking terms for months. But I didn't go to Acheh, and after a while we were back being friends and understood each other more.. Maybe that is why he always has this special place in my world.

So I called him last friday to have breakfast with me.. In a way I missed him. He was home and was busy preparing the house for his sister's enggagement, thus declined for a short break with me. I would have to find time to drag him to have food with me one of these days. That was what I had in mind. So, I got a shock of my life when our friend, P, told me about his illness. I called him this morning, he refused to answer. I couldn't visit him earlier for I had a meeting in Taiping. I planned to see him at the hospital tonite. I would drop by and get fruits, biscuits and some magazines for him. Such was my plan and I was sure he would like it. Furthermore, P who had visited him told me that F was asking when would I go and visit him. I was pleased to hear that.

Thus, on the way back from Taiping, I called him. Still no answer. I sent him a text then, asking him to hang in there, to take his medicine and that I would be visiting him soon. His reply was like a cut in my heart. He asked me not to visit him, that he was really sick and didn't have the energy to 'layan' me. I replied I didn't care. I didn't expect him to layan me and I was still visiting him whether he liked it or not. The second reply was a real blow. It cut really deep, tearing my heart into pieces. He pleaded me not to come. He was really sick and needed his rest. He wrote 'kalau kau datang jugak, memang aku menyesal'. He would regret it if I came! I am worried sick about him but he doesn't want me to be there! It took me a while before I replied to his text. I kept on asking myself, what happened? What did I do wrong? I was just a friend who wanted to see another sick friend. Why was it ok for others to visit him but not me? I thought P said he was expecting me? I was baffled. Perplexed. Be cool, Oren. Be rational. Maybe he doesn't want you to see him in that condition. Maybe he is embarrased. Even you couldn't look at yourself in the mirror when you were sick! He needs his rest. He wants you to understand that. Respect his wishes, Oren. Make him happy even if it means you are not.

F, I'm sorry for not being allowed to visit you. I want you to get well. I need you to be back on your feet again. I want us to dine at Johnny's like we have planned. I'll be waiting for that day..