Happy Aidilfitri!

I woke up a little bit early than usual but still late comparing to the other family members. Dad nagged, nagged and nagged. I did some house chores while waiting for my mom and sis to come back from our neoghbour's house to get raya cookies that we ordered. Later sis and I went for a facial treatment as well as pedicure and menicure. A kind of luxury that I seldom get nowadays. I used to pamper myself once in 2 months.. then once in 3 months, and now once in 6 months... I don't have much for unnecessary luxury. I need to save up for my career project. This is the sacrifice that I have to make.. It is so little comparing to other unforunate families. Hence, I shouldnt be complaining. Bersyukur dengan rezekiNya.

Once I got back, I rested for a while before cleaning up and tidying up the living room and my room. After berbuka, I accompanied my niece bermain bunga api di laman rumah. We sang and danced in the lights and smoke from the bunga api. I'm pretty sure the passers-by had a good laugh looking at our silliness.. I had a great time myself! hehe..

Later I continued my job as a 'bibik'. I vaccumed the whole house.. err.. almost the whole house ( didn't do the bedrooms). While I was doing it, the whole family was having lemang and rendang in the kitchen. Automatically I sang the song 'beginilah nasib diriku yang malang, oh tuhan...' They laughed and called me cinderella. But then dad came to me and fed me some lemang. hehe.. memang suka kalau makan disuapkan! So, I continued vaccumming the house and once in a while went to the kitchen for my share of lemang.

I didn't really have the raya mood before this. Lots of ugly things happened lately.. but after seeing all the raya cookies, lemang, ketupat and rendang, the excitement is growing. I don't anticipate it to be a really smashing raya, but I'm sure it will turn out fine. My friend Mun See and her family are coming during lunchtime. We only see each other once a year- during raya- without fail! Sheeda, my best friend is coming for tea. She has moved to JB with her hubby, or else I wouldn's be this lonely. Am looking forward to see her. Some other friends are coming as well.. Thus, it's gonna be a good raya.

I will stop feeling bad about myself. I will think more positively from now on. Insyallah my entries after this won't sound pathetic anymore.. hehe.. If I can't have the best, I'll make the best out of what I have. Life will become more beautiful and meaningful that way.

SALAM AIDILFITRI. MOGA TERUS CERIA DAN

BERSYUKUR DENGAN REZEKINYA. AMEEN...

Raya cards

I received lots of raya cards today.. Well, actually they were sent to me days if not weeks ago using my old address. So, late afternoon today, my dad went to the old house to pick them up. After berbuka just now I spent about 10 minutes to open and read about 30-40cards if not more. Correction I didn't read them cards.. I just glanced through... After all, there wasn't any personal notes for me in those cards.

I've been receiving a mountain of cards since 4 years ago.. since I hold this position in my community. I remember feeling excited and overwhelmed on my first year getting all those beautiful raya cards from those important people. My mom proudly put those precious cards in a decorated wooden box and put it in the middle of the coffee table. All guests would be able to see them and of course read them. On the 2nd year the excitement faded a little bit. I refused to read the cards in the third year! And this year, before the raya holidays end, the cards will be placed in the bin. Except for one though... one particular card from Z... Hang on a second guys! I keep his card not because he is Z but because he is the only one who gave me a raya card because he wanted to, not because he had to. The rest of the card senders, they gave me the cards because they had to; because they wanted something in return. Most of them don't even know who I am. Some have never laid their eyes on me! The cards were given out of courtesy! My name was not written in those cards they gave. No personal notes. There's even a card where the sender forgot to sign it!!! So, what's the point of getting raya cards from all those government people when the cards have no life! No touch! No nothing! Zero. Nil. Empty.

Well, sorry lifeless cards, an empty bin awaits..

reality bites...hard!

I couldn't sleep last night.. so many things were in my mind. You see, I texted Z right after berbuka. I apologized to him (even though I wasn't sure who was actually at fault in the first place, I apologized anyway). The message went like this..

"A'kum. Z, I'm sorry. I know I've been acting ridiculously ridiculous. I was mad with myself more that I was with you. I'm learning to expect less now.. Anger is a heavy baggage that I've left behind. Berat sangat nak carry around! hehe... Sory ek.."

I waited and waited but no reply from him! So many negative things went through my head. Was he angry? Did he still wanna be my friend? What did he think of me? But later around 10.26am a message came and he said,

"Wslm. Sorry lambat balas. Bateri kong semalam. Takpe, u xde salah apa2. I'm ok je

"Boy! I am soooooo relieved! :-) Thanx for putting me out of misery. Drive safely ke kg. Kem salam kat buah hati ya. ;-)"

"Wslm. Hehe.."

So, things are back to normal.. or are they? I don't know... As I said earlier, I'm teaching myself to expect little.. But one thing for sure, I ain't gonna tell him whenever I go to KL. It's better like this... So, back to normal? NOT!!!

You must be wondering why he had so much effect on me.. Well, I've been wondering about it to! Do I like him? YES. But, not 'that' kind of like. I like his company. I like sharing things with him. He always gives me rational advice (maybe because he's a lawyer, you see). I like chatting with him. I guess I have nobody left except for him! All my best friends and good friends have their own life now. They are either married or preoccupied with their career. I know they are more than willing to share my burden, to be my shoulders to cry on and to jump with joy with me. But, they have their family to take care of.. I don't want to be an extra luggage to them. So, I turned to a friend who is still single (like me!) who has free time to entertain me. Z has been there for me. I guess I have become more dependant on him! Darn! And this dependency leads to high expectations. And when he failed to fulfill one of them, I became very crossed with him. I have realised this now. I shall recollect myself and be more independent - physically, emotionally and sprititually. What choice do I have?

And another thing hit me - I am just a chatting friend to Z. I'm not his real friend. He doesn't have to say it out loud, I understand it now. Yeah, you might think I've jumped to a nasty conclusion. But the signs have been there all this while. I just refused to see them. Now, I have to live with it whether I like it or not... I'll be ok.. I know I will...

learning more...expecting less...

Before I got the courage to start this blog, I did blog-hopping. Yeah, I hopped from one blog to another. (I'm pretty sure I am not the only weirdo who does this, am I?) I am not an IT wizard you see. I was (and am still) quite ignorant about this visual life in the Internet world. So, I was surprised to find lots of people, I mean common people who have their own blog. I thought only those who are famous/popular or travel frequently or live in another country are 'allowed' to build a blog. Hmmmph.. that shows what a nitwit I am...

Anyway, blog-hopping is kind of cool. You read about other people's life and their great stories and I even left a note or two. Hmm... I don't think I wanna stop doing it. Hei, maybe someday, they would visit my blog and leave some comments! hahahahaha... wishful thinking eh? No, no.. I'm teaching myself to expect less if not nothing. This blog is built because I need a channel for me to pour my heart out. And that would be enough...

Clueless

Am I expecting too much from people? I did a character analysis once and the results says that I expect people to give me as much as I give them. It is true I suppose. or else I wouldn't be feeling like this! I wouldn't be so mad with Z.. or am I mad with myself actually?

I should have known that Z doesn't really care for me as much as I care for him. Hei, don't get me wrong. I care for him as a friend. We are not romantically involved! I believe I always treat him well especially when he comes to my hometown. We would go out with other friends, eat, chat and sometimes bowl. So when I go to his area, I anticipate the same treatment. I mean, he did ask me to inform him whenever I drop by his territory. But he's a man. Men come from a different planet from my species. We don't see things from the same angle or care about the same stuff. Thus, last month, when I told him a few days earlier about me coming to KL, I was hoping him to at least call me. But he did not. When I was back in Perak, he admitted he forgot about it. OOOKAY... bengang dah sikit..

2 weeks later, again I had to go to KL. Told him about it a couple of days beforehand. Expected him to call me. Again nothing. And again, later, he confessed he forgot! Boleh???? Lupa lagi??? Then he blamed me for not calling or texting him instead! What??????

2 days ago, I had a meeting in KL. This time around I texted him. Asked him out for a late supper right after my meeting. I just wanted to see him because I had things to tell him and needed his advice. After my meeting, I texted him. No reply. When I reached my sister's place and showered and stuff, I texted him again. No reply. I was a bit pissed. I was pretty sure he was snoring his way to the dreamland and I was right. Early in the morning, during sahur, he apologised through sms for dozing off early and missed the supper. I didn't reply. I was still mad. I didn't eat much during my fast-breaking because I wanted to dine with him. Thus, my late supper (which I had alone in front of TV) was only a piece of bun and a small box of chocolate milk which I bought at the nearest 7-E. Thefore, that morning, I was both hungry and angry.

Arrggghhh! I hate this! I dont want to be in this situation. I still want his friendship but at the same time I don't want him to take me for granted! Am I being irrational here? Am I being childish? Don't I have the right to be furious? Don't I deserve to be treated well? But the biggest questions now, where do I go from here? What should I do? And what do I want? Honestly, I don't have the answers....

Me and BB

'Once bitten twice shy'. Twice bitten? It shows how gullible you are. Three times bitten? You are a bloody fool! And that's me! A bloody fool. Gosh, I don't know why, but I keep on making the same mistakes! Is it because I am too forgiving? Or I put friendship above all? Or I always expect too much from people and end up feeling bereft? Or I am just merely a fool? I will let the world to be the judge. This is how my story goes..

I've known BB for 4-5 years now. There was something about him that made me hooked on him from the very moment we met. We got along pretty well. At one time I fell foolishly in love with him. But we ended up as close friends which was ok with me. Really! Nevertheless, it wasn't easy to be his friend. God knows how many times I cried for the misery he caused me. He announced to the world that I was his bestest friend! Me? As much as I loved him I wanted to run away but failed every time. Just like the song sung by I-dont-remember-who "I wanna walk but I run back to you. That's why I hate myself for loving you!" Maybe because he could be an angel at times.

Anyway, one day I was in deep shit. Financial shit! He was quite well off and people always asked for his aid. I had never asked him for a cent except for that time. He agreed to help me. And I waited. And I waited. And I called. Then I texted him. He was MIA. Vanished! Feeling cheated I turned to another source. And I survived from that shit. I felt devastated. When I needed him the most, he disappeared! And that wasn't the first time actually.. I then learnt to live without him. Life was good after that. I met new people, enjoyed new crowd. Three months later, he knocked on my door. He said he was sorry. He explained that he did try to help me but it caused him his job. That was why he made himself invisible. But he could have told me that earlier right? And I should have slammed the door on his face right? But no! He once again became a part of my world! Yeah the word 'loser' was vividly engraved on my forehead!

He got married not long after that. I helped him with the arrangement. Things that he should discuss with his future wife, he discussed with me! I told him that after he said 'I do', our friendship should end there. I didn't want a green-eyed wife to call me in the middle of the night! But neither happened. The friendship continued and the wife seemed to understand this platonic tie that I had with the husband. Well, he did change a little bit. Not so much misery anymore to be his friend..until last 2 months. I was starting on a career project. And to boost it up, I needed some financial help. He VOLUNTEERED to help me! I DID NOT ASK HIM! He promised to give me an amount of money. Boy, was I relieved! When the time came, I called him to collect his words. He promised to see me that weekend. But he was nowhere to be seen. A week later, I texted him. No reply. Followed by a phone call. No answer. More texting. He said he was in another continent with his lovely wife. Promised to meet me the following weekend. Another bullshit! And up to now, I heard nothing from him. Before, he would call me at least once a month, but two months have passed by without his call nor his financial aid. I was in despair. But life goes on. Now with my own will, I am surviving the financial difficulty. My career project is still on the run. Money is still a problem but I'll manage it myself. Please don't get me wrong. It is not the money that made me mad. He made me a promise. He gave me his words and I hung on to each of those words. He could just call me and admit that he has no money to give and I'll be fine. That is all I need. He admitting that he is incapable of helping me rather that leaving me with false hopes.

I've been visualising how our encounter would be when he had come to his senses and remembered this friend of his. I've been drafting scripts on what to say to him. I've been plotting dramatic scenes that would leave him down on his knees, crying and begging for my forgiveness.
But, the real truth is I don't want to see him again. I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. I don't want to move from Loser to PATHETIC LOSER. I wish him well with his wife. I don't want him to be in my life anymore. No more! I am saying good bye...

a desperate move

I realised today that I have no friends! I mean real friends! There is nobody in my world except for me... now that is awfully depressing!! I am feeling awful at the moment. Heck I've been feeling like this for a week now. And for a week I've been searching for a friend, for a soul, for me to pour my heart out, to share this heavy burden on my shoulders. And yet to no avail. And that is when the reality hits me hard on the face - I've got no friends. Despite being surrounded by lots of people whom I know and they know me as well, I HAVE NO REAL FRIENDS! But I have so many stories to tell... I need to share my views about hundred and one things with someone.. I have to let go this mixed emotions in me that is like a volcano ready to erupt.. and to whom do I turn to? My laptop screen. So, here I am.. officially a blogger! How do I feel about it? Pathetic? Yup. Relieved? Yezz. Embarrassed? A little bit. Numb? Bingo! So welcome to my world - Dunia Oren