tak cool ke?

I watch Malay movies. I watch Malay dramas. I listen to Malay songs. Tak cool ke kalau I associate myself dgn malay stuff?

I hung out with this girl the other day. It wasn't the first time we hung out together eventhough we don't do it often enough. Anyway, this friend of mine had gone to the US a few times. so, bila cakap pun ada accent sana la skit... tapi, lantak dia la kan... Eventhough my pronunciation is very malaysian, everybody in this country still understands me kan? Lainlah kalau I tinggal kat NZ ke, jadi warga Uncle Sam ke, jadi ozzie ke...

Anyway, sometimes I ajak dia tengok wayang.. Syarat dia, bukan cerita melayu. Kekadang bila sembang pasal some malay dramas kat TV, dia mmg tak tau pape coz dia tak tengok. I dont think she has any liking on the malay singers or actors jugak... The thing is, SHE IS A MALAY!!! Ok, fine.. Memang la tak sume citer melayu bagus kan? I mean pilihlah yg berkualiti sikit like Yasmin Ahmad's and Kabir Baktiar's. Kerja diorang memang indisputably superb and beautiful. In fact there are more talented young directors blooming nowadays. Surprisingly, I enjoyed 'Selamat Pagi Cinta' more than 'The Day The Earth Stood Still' (Harap muka Keanu Reeves je hensem! Hampeih!). And there are also some Malay dramas yang very moving like 'Pondok Buruk' and others that I can't recall the titles. There are heaps of funny ones too like 'Sinderella', 'Rona Roni Makaroni'. Eventhough they are not that excellent, they are entertaining enough for you to remain glued on the screen.

Oh, and I just love Anuar Zain's songs, am mystified by Meet Uncle Hussein, spellbounded by M. Nasir and I really enjoy listening to Aizat, Estranged and Siti Nurhaliza. I believe they are all marvellous! Well, at least to my ears..!

To me... kalau Melayu tak sokong Melayu, sape lagi? Kita punyalah mengagung-agungkan product barat, diorang kenal kita pun tidak, apa lagi nak beli cd penyanyi kita or tengok wayang cerita kita. Tak mungkin...

So, Melayu kenalah sokong Melayu kan? Malaysians kenalah sokong Malaysians kan?

Apa, tak cool ke?

dumbfounded

F is sick. He's a good friend of mine and he's sick. He got dengue. He was admitted since monday. He didn't even tell me! I dont know why...

When I got back from kelantan (before I got really sick), I called him. I had been thinking about him for a couple of weeks. Had meant to call him and ask him how he was doing much earlier but work always got in the way. The last time I met him was during raya in september. After that we were supposed to dine together. He promised to treat me steamboat at Johnny's, but we never got around to that. F and I, well.... we are not romantically involved.. but.. I don't know... He can be awfully annoying at times but he's a good man. I like to bully him and he let me. I guess he finds me annoying as well.. hehehe.. Despite the irritation, we tolerate each other. I remember when Acheh was hit by the tsunami, I wanted to go and help the victims. I was this close of signing up my name but he didn't let me. It wasn't that I asked for his permission. I only told him about my intention but he was really opposed to it. He said don't ask him why but he didn't want me to go. I refused to listen to him at first and that led us to a big raw. He claimed that I always underestimated him, that his say, his words were never good enough for me. According to him, I did not treat him fairly and I was a stuck up bit*h (well he used nicer words actually but the meaning is just the same!). We were not in speaking terms for months. But I didn't go to Acheh, and after a while we were back being friends and understood each other more.. Maybe that is why he always has this special place in my world.

So I called him last friday to have breakfast with me.. In a way I missed him. He was home and was busy preparing the house for his sister's enggagement, thus declined for a short break with me. I would have to find time to drag him to have food with me one of these days. That was what I had in mind. So, I got a shock of my life when our friend, P, told me about his illness. I called him this morning, he refused to answer. I couldn't visit him earlier for I had a meeting in Taiping. I planned to see him at the hospital tonite. I would drop by and get fruits, biscuits and some magazines for him. Such was my plan and I was sure he would like it. Furthermore, P who had visited him told me that F was asking when would I go and visit him. I was pleased to hear that.

Thus, on the way back from Taiping, I called him. Still no answer. I sent him a text then, asking him to hang in there, to take his medicine and that I would be visiting him soon. His reply was like a cut in my heart. He asked me not to visit him, that he was really sick and didn't have the energy to 'layan' me. I replied I didn't care. I didn't expect him to layan me and I was still visiting him whether he liked it or not. The second reply was a real blow. It cut really deep, tearing my heart into pieces. He pleaded me not to come. He was really sick and needed his rest. He wrote 'kalau kau datang jugak, memang aku menyesal'. He would regret it if I came! I am worried sick about him but he doesn't want me to be there! It took me a while before I replied to his text. I kept on asking myself, what happened? What did I do wrong? I was just a friend who wanted to see another sick friend. Why was it ok for others to visit him but not me? I thought P said he was expecting me? I was baffled. Perplexed. Be cool, Oren. Be rational. Maybe he doesn't want you to see him in that condition. Maybe he is embarrased. Even you couldn't look at yourself in the mirror when you were sick! He needs his rest. He wants you to understand that. Respect his wishes, Oren. Make him happy even if it means you are not.

F, I'm sorry for not being allowed to visit you. I want you to get well. I need you to be back on your feet again. I want us to dine at Johnny's like we have planned. I'll be waiting for that day..

flat

demam.... batuk teruk tahap gaban sampai rasa nak terkeluar anak tekak... lemah... badan rasa lemah sangat... dah 3 nak masuk 4 hari... hate it... hate being weak like this.. caught myself in the mirror... could hardly recognise that hideous and creepy looking lady! gosh, menakutkan... hmmm...dugaan tuhan... sabar je lah...

my dorothy

She's black, 30 something and a brilliant writer. I 'bumped' into her about a year ago at MPH. I was looking for some books to accompany me during my holidays in Gold Coast, then I 'saw' her.. on the rack looking rather sheepish.. Proud to be there, knew she was good but a bit afraid.. After all she was surrounded by hundreds of authors, some have made their fame when she was still a toddler. Yet there she was, gathering her courage, knowing it won't be long till people all over the world (err.. in this case, M'sia) talk about her and her excellent work.

I picked it up. The novel. The Cupid Effect. Read the blurb on the back cover. Found it interesting and intriguing. Just perfect as my trip-mate. I laughed, I cried, I felt her. The character sounded and felt familiar.. Just like the girl next door.. no no.. actually, just like me! I knew it there and then that Dorothy Koomson would be my favourite author. She is now officially my favourite author. ;D

I then keep track of Dorothy's career. Occasionally visit her website at www.dorothykoomson.co.uk . Bought her other books 'My Bestfriend's Girl', 'The Chocolate Run', Marshmallows For Breakfast' and just yesterday I bought her latest, 'Goodnight. Beautiful'. Haven't started reading it yet. Am keeping it for the Raya Haji's break. She's a great company especially during the holidays! I am soooo glad I found her! ;D

am scratching my head about it...

My friend 'Dubuk' told me a rather weird story. There was this girl who wanted to be a man. She dressed like a man, walked like a man, talked like a man and called herself a man's name. Let's just call this pengkid Ard. She was in love with a girl named Ween. A beautiful girl with gorgeous skin, cute but seductive boobs (hehe, i'm exaggerating on this part) very manja and girlish. She drove him err... her mad. Lucky for Ard, Ween was also falling for her/him. Ween just went gaga over Ard's babyface, manly gesture and cool attitude. But, guess what? Ween was actually a man who decided to become a woman!! When asked, Ard said she/he was attracted to Ween not because he/she was a man but due to his/her strong feminine attributions. Ween gave the same reason - because Ard was a charming MAN. I later said to dubuk that they still can get married for they are from different sex. She looked at me with her big eyes and big smile plastered on her face "you are right. But who should be the bride and who should be the groom?". I was taken aback for two moments. We then looked at each other and laughed our heart out. Gosh, i pity Ard and Ween. I wish them well (eventhough i don't know them and vice versa) but i'm pretty sure what they had was just a fling... weddings bells wouldn't be heard above their head unless they change their clothes or partners... hmm... weird... very weird indeed...

the ball is rolling...

Seven of us drove to Pahang 4 days ago. Attending a programme and at the same time getting support for our 'career boost'. From Kuantan to Temerloh then to Bentong. Spent a nite there before left for Lipis, then straight to KL. Attending another programme and introducing ourselves to new crowds. The next day stayed in KL. Meeting people, setting up plans, putting up plastic smile 24 hours, learning about strategies. Very tiring but had no choice. There's no turning back in this game. Left KL after lunch and headed to Seremban. Met new and old friends. It was lovely. Then drove back to Perak. Tried to rest but Yaya couldn't wait to chat. just finished chatting with her.. All about the reunion. We vowed not to organise any reunion anymore! it is rather frustrating and time consuming. Have the whole day tomorow, oops today (it's already passed midnite anyway) to unpack, do the laundry, then repack.

Will shoot up north on thursday. Will stay there just for a couple of days before going back to KL for the weekend. Busy and exhausting, but fun is still there... hmm....whatever it takes to win...

TWOgether again!

Yahoo!!!! Just got great news from my friends. TWO great news actually. My best friend Shida is coming back to Perak! Yipppiiiieeeee!!!!! And we will be working in the same place! Thank you God! Thank you for this wonderful news!

Shida and i knew each other during our uni years. We studied together for nearly 6 years. Then both of us got job offer in Perak, but different district. We seldom saw each other during the first 3 years, until she asked for transfer to my district to live with her unwell mom. We became very very close after that. Both of us love sushi and coffee. Every month after our payday, we would make a date for sushi king and coffee bean. We would hang around for hours with lots of juicy gossips. We always helped (and still are actually) each other in every aspect including financial problem. Then she got married. I became her wedding planner. My first attempt of being a wedding planner. It all happened in a month of April 3 years ago. later that year she moved to Johor following the husband. I was crushed. No more sushi and coffee partner. No more sounding board. No more friend to laugh and to cry with. Nevertheless, we still see each other, about twice a year whenever she came home to visit her mom. When she called me last night and told me this smashing news, i was on top of the hill. I'm getting back my life. Can't wait for January to come where we will be colleagues.

And this morning, R called me. Currently she is working in town K. And she just got her transfer. Starting January, she would be working in my town. Now i have TWO sushi buddies! TWO coffee lovers! TWO great friends! TWO good TWO be true huh?! Just my luck! ;D

blur!

It's a blurry day for me... It is all because of conjunctivitis (i hope i spell it right). Just my luck huh? I should go out with friends catch a movie or have coffe or window shopping or something.. After all i'm on holidays.. but what do i get? Sore eyes... Pasrah je lah...

Actually it all started with sore throat. It wasn't severe at first, but fever was about to kick in.. I took 2 tablets of actifast to get rid of it. Survived one night, but the next day my throat felt as if it was on fire. It felt hot like there was flame in my throat. And swallowing was the hardest and most painful thing to do! Still i managed to attend a few meetings, visit P who finally delivered her first baby (through operation) and even go partying with my friends. All happened in a weekend. Came monday i refused to talk and eating was hard. That nite after dinner with some friends, i went straight to the clinic and got myself some medicine - antibiotics, painkillers, panadols, cough syrup and chewy tablets to unflame my throat. I slept soundlessly that nite.

However, i got another test from God. My left eye was sticky and i really had to wash it before i could open it. Oh no! i was hit by conjunctivitis! But i had to go to work! Darn! So i dragged myself to the office, get a few things done. Later, attended a few discussions and before heading home i stopped by a clinic. Nope, not last nite's clinic (malu! hahaha)

And before i hit the bed i realised that my right eye was also getting reddish! What else after this God? Hmmm.. maybe u want me to reflect my life and rest more at home? Ok ok will do that.
So today, me without contact lenses, without glasses (i dont have one anyway) am having blurry eyesight, am leading a blurry life and am dwelling in a blurry world!

baby blues

Bulan ni bulan orang bersalin. Bulan ketibaan insan baru. Bulan bermulanya episod hidup bayi-bayi kecil. Alhamdulillah bertambahnya umat islam di muka bumi ni...

A good friend of mine, J delivered a baby boy last wednesday. Her fifth! Gosh, and i am still husbandless! haha... From the last time i spoke and texted her, both mummy and baby were well. She hadn't found a name for her baby yet. I suggested a few names with wonderful islamic meanings. Got them thru the search engine, google! hehehe... I told her that i would announce to our friends in FB about her newborn but she asked me not to. Somehow she was quite embarrassed for being too productive. Silly girl! A lot of us envy her for the rezeki Allah granted her and her family. She's the lucky one!

Another friend is F. She waited nearly 10 years for Muhammad Fareez Iskandar. Her first is already 14 years old! Dah jadi anak bujang! While the second is 9 or maybe 10 years old. I went to see Baby Is today. He was gorgeous! Fair, chubby with very thick hair! Welcome Baby Is.. Your life won't be a bed of roses. There will be bumps here and there. You might stumble but you will survive. Your mom will be there to guide you. Hakuna matata darling!

As for P, she is overdue now. She was supposed to deliver on the sixth but still no sign of the new life. Hmm.. i should give her a call tomorrow and see how she is doing. I'm pretty sure she is freaking out for this is her first newborn. Hope everything is well for her... Insyaallah...

aku, mak dan milo ais

Mak is my favourite person... Milo ais is my favourite drink... Plus me, we make a wonderful team, a great combination.. hehe... Ever since i installed internet at home and became a blogger, i seldom go out anymore.... One, becoz my nightlife is fading due to my shringking circle of friends. Two, becoz i am usually busy during day time so i can only online at night. Three, becoz i just want to be alone in my orange world. Due to this change of lifestyle and my obsession of the virtual life, (which is not healthy at all, i can assure u that!) i always find excuses whenever my parents ask me to join them having dinner outside. M always ask them to tapau instead. seldom food, usually iced milo or milo ais. mak always grumbled 'why can't u make one urself instead of paying RM1.60 to those people'. And my answer was the usual 'malas la mak...' hehe...

Thus, sometimes she comes back without milo ais but then she quickly makes one for me! And other times, she does like what she did tonite - again my parents wanted to eat out. My brother was paying. I had just switched on my laptop. Then mak came to my room. She opened the door just slightly. I could only see half of her body. Out of courtesy she asked me whether i would like to join them for dinner. I said 'no thanks. not tonite.' Then patiently she asked whether i would like anything from the restaurant? I answered ' nothing. Errr.. just milo ais'. suddenly she opened the door wider. I was speechless! She had a glass of milo ais with her! She smiled, handed my fav drink to me and jockingly said ' u should pay me RM1.60'... hahahahaha... I was touched. I was grateful. I was delighted. This is not the first time she did it, but everytime she does it, i am overwhelmed by her thoughtful motherly gesture.

Sheepishly i took the drink and enjoyed every sip of it! I love milo ais. I love my mak more! But i am not a good daughter to her... I make her cry at times... I dont mean it, i swear! I just have to try harder to understand her and treat her better. Sorry mak for all the tears i've caused u! Thanx mak for the milo ais and for every sweet thing u do for me. I love u mak, i really do! I love us!

There's no one...

How do u differentiate between best friends, close friends and good friends? What makes them, them? How should they perform to show that they are your best/close/good friends? What ecpectations do u have on them? Is it wrong at all to expect them to do things that u know normal friends won't do for u? And when they fail to do exactly what u expect them to do, who's to be blamed?

R and I have been best/close/good friends for 9 years now. We have always been together.. Many people mistaken us as sisters. They always mix us up. We've gone through a lot of things together.. So when this lies/fitnah bout me is been spreading around, i expect her to stand by me, to prevail the truth on my behalf, to be brave enough to risk things on my behalf... because i know i would do the same for her.. but she disappoint me. She's 'playing safe' with everything. Making sure that she wouldn't be pulled along in the mess i'm in. If i couldn't rely on her, who's supposed to be my best/close/good friend, then to whom should i turn to? How do i classify her now? But one thing for sure, no more expectations... not even on my 'sister'.

I AM ON MY OWN. I'M WALKING ALONE. NO ONE IS HOLDING MY HAND. NO ONE IS WALKING BESIDE ME. THERE'S NO ONE BEHIND ME EITHER... I'M ALL ALONE.

fitnah

Pernah rasa difitnah? apa dia fitnah? bagi orang yang kurang arif dan jahil macam aku ni, apabila orang mengatakan kita melakukan sesuatu yang kita tak buat itu dianggap fitnah la kan? apalagi kalau ianya melibatkan maruah. Maka, berdasarkan pemahaman aku ni, aku dengan ini mengsiyhtiharkan yang aku telah difitnah!

Sebenarnya, ini bukan kali pertama ianya terjadi pada tahun ni... dah 2-3 cerita dah yang keluar pasal aku... well, mungkin aku ni ala-ala celebrity macam Datuk Siti Nurhaliza dan Paris Hilton! (haha..) Tapi aku buat bodoh je sebab malas nak layan. lagipun masih boleh dibendung dan tidak mengaibkan . However, the latest story yang keluar ni memang tak boleh dimaafkan! kalau aku buat bodoh jugak, maka bodohlah jadinya aku nanti! apatah lagi, ianya melibatkan maruah dan reputasi aku! nasib baik la aku ni bukanlah dalam kategori yg jahat sangat (yelah, takkan nak mengaku diri tu baik pulak kan?) so, bila fitnah ni baru keluar dari mulut seorang pompuan bengong, kawan-kawan mmg tak percaya dan terus bagitau aku! memang angin satu badan! berdesing je telinga! ikutkan hati aku, nak je aku call or berdepan dgn pompuan bengong tu dan taruk dia cukup-cukup! tapi, takan le nak meletakkan darjat aku sehina dan serendah dia kan? aku perlu bertindak secara rasional dan profesional.. kalau pompuan bengong tu ingat aku akan berdiam diri je kali ni, well i have news for u darling - u have waken up a dragon! (chewah!). Well, this is what i've planned to do. first, i'm going to organize a meeting with my friends. i am to accumulate facts, info and witnesses as well. then, i'm going straight to the 'people up there'. i want them to know the truth and put a stop to every lie and fitnah and of couse take action on that pompuan bengong. if there isn't any action taken, i'll lodge a report to the police and use the internet - blogs, portals, youtube, to clean my name. how's that?

Tetapi yang menghairankan aku tu, pompuan bengong ni tak rasa bersalah ke? tak rasa takut pada tuhan ke bila buat citer ni? bila buat fitnah ni? dan tidakkah dia terfikir bahawa cerita ni akan sampai juga pada aku? memang bengong punya pompuan! sesuailah dengan label yang aku berikan pada dia! tunggu ajelah pompuan bengong... masa kau akan tiba!

wishes

Oh gosh! it's been ages since the last time i wrote in here... have been trying to find time, and finally tonite i got the time and the 'mood'.

Life has been hectic for the past few weeks... work, my charitable activities and not forgetting my 'career program'. i always wish that i had a driver to drive me around so that i could rest more in the car. i also wish i had a PA to help me with things.. there are groups of people that i need to ring up, tons of things that i need to attend to, heaps of problems that need my attention.. there are times when i wish i had a machine that could clone myself! haha.. crazy am i not? how i wish i had enough money to hire a driver and get myself a good PA! hmmm..... i guess with the condition and the financial situation that i am in right now, i have to be grateful to just have me! well, at least i am physically, mentally and spiritally healthy to keep the ball rolling... alhamdulillah..

Raya! Raya! Raya! - 2nd Day

It was an eventful day. Pakngah and son, Che U and kids, Pakcik N and family and my eldest sis and family had arrived. We were to start our journey to Kedah. Pakcik and family went first. The rest went to Dato' H's open house. He is sort of my secondary boss. I respect him but we are not really bonded to each other. It was merely a business relationship. Next stop was YB N's open house. She is a good friend of mine. We have known each other for about 8 years. Although we are both of the same age, she is much wiser and more mature than me. That's the advantage of studying and living abroad for few years! All my uncles, aunts and cousins like to go to YB N's house. Apart from fantastic food, she is always warm with all her guests. I met more of our friends there and of course being girls, we gossipped a little bit! hehe..

Then we headed home to pack our bags. Our convoy started aroung 3pm. I drove all the way to Alor Star! I love driving, but I always miss the scenery along the way :-(. We reached my uncle's house about 6.30pm. There were about 12 families gathered for this auspicuos event. Because of the number, my uncle had to rent 2 units of homestay. It was actually a 3-in-1 gathering. One was to celebrate the eid mubarak. Two was to welcome a new member to the family - a cousin of ours got married recently. Three was to welcome back our cousin sister who had finished her medical degree in moscow. That night we had a simple, nice but noisy dinner. It was good to be with everybody again. I missed my cousins sooooo much and I intended to have lots of fun with them. Eventhough before this I dreaded myself to go to Kedah, at that momet I knew I wouldn't regret spending my raya holiday in Kedah... ;-)

Raya! Raya! Raya! - 1st Day

Unlike the years before, there were only my parents, my brother, my 2nd sis, my widowed aunt and myself on the first day of raya. Of course my nephews and niece were with us, only for the first few hours in the morning though for later they were sent to their mom. After the eid prayer, we went to Dato' M's house - a good friend of my parents. Her lontong and soto were beyond praise. Later we headed to dad's kampung, which is just about 30 minutes away. We went straight to the cemetery presenting doa to our relatives especially my grandad whom I never met and my grandmum who loved us dearly. We had fond memories together but she was gone when I was in my kindergaten year. Later, we proceeded to my aunt's house where we met more aunts and cousins there. But the best part was they had MAZOLA cookies! My old time favourite! Oh, and the lemang and rendang was simply delicious! hehe... me and food!

Then, we rushed home to cook our usual - nasi minyak, ayam masak upur, dalca and jelatah. My friend Mun See and her family came around 2.30 and they really enjoyed the food. Our friendship is a unique one.. We don't keep in touch all the time but every year during raya, she would come to my house. She has been doing this way before she got married and now she is a mom to a cute 2 years old Benjamin. Her husband, Simon, a fine young man, is a chatter box like myself, thus, we connect perfectly. Fiona, Mun See's niece has been tagging along to my house since she was in primary. Now, she's sitting for her PMR and has blossomed to a very gorgeous young girl! She will undoubtedly break a lot of hearts! And knowing that she loves lemang, I forced my dad to get some lemang just for Fiona. Really love to have them around during raya!

Sheed and family came quite late.. around 7pm. I thought there would only be herself and hubby but her sisters in law and their family were there as well! Mo man tai though! The more, the merrier. We served them nasi minyak as well. But sadly, I didn't get the chance to have a decent conversation with sheed... hmm....

Later that nite my father's side, two aunts, my cousin sister with her family and my cousin brother came for dinner. We seldom have them in our house. I pity my father very much. He loves his siblings dearly. He visits them quite frequently. When he can't find time, he would call them to ask how they are doing. But they seldom treat him the same way. And for them to come over to our house, well, my dad literally has to force them! They came tonight only after my dad being rather sarcastic this morning. We've been wondering what is it that makes them uncomfortable to be in our house. Why they can go to other people's house, somtimes outside of Perak, but they always find excuses to come to ours. Academically and economically we are better than them, but I believe we have never treated them differently... hmmm... kesian abah...

Nevertheless, today was not perfect but it wasn't bad either.

Happy Aidilfitri!

I woke up a little bit early than usual but still late comparing to the other family members. Dad nagged, nagged and nagged. I did some house chores while waiting for my mom and sis to come back from our neoghbour's house to get raya cookies that we ordered. Later sis and I went for a facial treatment as well as pedicure and menicure. A kind of luxury that I seldom get nowadays. I used to pamper myself once in 2 months.. then once in 3 months, and now once in 6 months... I don't have much for unnecessary luxury. I need to save up for my career project. This is the sacrifice that I have to make.. It is so little comparing to other unforunate families. Hence, I shouldnt be complaining. Bersyukur dengan rezekiNya.

Once I got back, I rested for a while before cleaning up and tidying up the living room and my room. After berbuka, I accompanied my niece bermain bunga api di laman rumah. We sang and danced in the lights and smoke from the bunga api. I'm pretty sure the passers-by had a good laugh looking at our silliness.. I had a great time myself! hehe..

Later I continued my job as a 'bibik'. I vaccumed the whole house.. err.. almost the whole house ( didn't do the bedrooms). While I was doing it, the whole family was having lemang and rendang in the kitchen. Automatically I sang the song 'beginilah nasib diriku yang malang, oh tuhan...' They laughed and called me cinderella. But then dad came to me and fed me some lemang. hehe.. memang suka kalau makan disuapkan! So, I continued vaccumming the house and once in a while went to the kitchen for my share of lemang.

I didn't really have the raya mood before this. Lots of ugly things happened lately.. but after seeing all the raya cookies, lemang, ketupat and rendang, the excitement is growing. I don't anticipate it to be a really smashing raya, but I'm sure it will turn out fine. My friend Mun See and her family are coming during lunchtime. We only see each other once a year- during raya- without fail! Sheeda, my best friend is coming for tea. She has moved to JB with her hubby, or else I wouldn's be this lonely. Am looking forward to see her. Some other friends are coming as well.. Thus, it's gonna be a good raya.

I will stop feeling bad about myself. I will think more positively from now on. Insyallah my entries after this won't sound pathetic anymore.. hehe.. If I can't have the best, I'll make the best out of what I have. Life will become more beautiful and meaningful that way.

SALAM AIDILFITRI. MOGA TERUS CERIA DAN

BERSYUKUR DENGAN REZEKINYA. AMEEN...

Raya cards

I received lots of raya cards today.. Well, actually they were sent to me days if not weeks ago using my old address. So, late afternoon today, my dad went to the old house to pick them up. After berbuka just now I spent about 10 minutes to open and read about 30-40cards if not more. Correction I didn't read them cards.. I just glanced through... After all, there wasn't any personal notes for me in those cards.

I've been receiving a mountain of cards since 4 years ago.. since I hold this position in my community. I remember feeling excited and overwhelmed on my first year getting all those beautiful raya cards from those important people. My mom proudly put those precious cards in a decorated wooden box and put it in the middle of the coffee table. All guests would be able to see them and of course read them. On the 2nd year the excitement faded a little bit. I refused to read the cards in the third year! And this year, before the raya holidays end, the cards will be placed in the bin. Except for one though... one particular card from Z... Hang on a second guys! I keep his card not because he is Z but because he is the only one who gave me a raya card because he wanted to, not because he had to. The rest of the card senders, they gave me the cards because they had to; because they wanted something in return. Most of them don't even know who I am. Some have never laid their eyes on me! The cards were given out of courtesy! My name was not written in those cards they gave. No personal notes. There's even a card where the sender forgot to sign it!!! So, what's the point of getting raya cards from all those government people when the cards have no life! No touch! No nothing! Zero. Nil. Empty.

Well, sorry lifeless cards, an empty bin awaits..

reality bites...hard!

I couldn't sleep last night.. so many things were in my mind. You see, I texted Z right after berbuka. I apologized to him (even though I wasn't sure who was actually at fault in the first place, I apologized anyway). The message went like this..

"A'kum. Z, I'm sorry. I know I've been acting ridiculously ridiculous. I was mad with myself more that I was with you. I'm learning to expect less now.. Anger is a heavy baggage that I've left behind. Berat sangat nak carry around! hehe... Sory ek.."

I waited and waited but no reply from him! So many negative things went through my head. Was he angry? Did he still wanna be my friend? What did he think of me? But later around 10.26am a message came and he said,

"Wslm. Sorry lambat balas. Bateri kong semalam. Takpe, u xde salah apa2. I'm ok je

"Boy! I am soooooo relieved! :-) Thanx for putting me out of misery. Drive safely ke kg. Kem salam kat buah hati ya. ;-)"

"Wslm. Hehe.."

So, things are back to normal.. or are they? I don't know... As I said earlier, I'm teaching myself to expect little.. But one thing for sure, I ain't gonna tell him whenever I go to KL. It's better like this... So, back to normal? NOT!!!

You must be wondering why he had so much effect on me.. Well, I've been wondering about it to! Do I like him? YES. But, not 'that' kind of like. I like his company. I like sharing things with him. He always gives me rational advice (maybe because he's a lawyer, you see). I like chatting with him. I guess I have nobody left except for him! All my best friends and good friends have their own life now. They are either married or preoccupied with their career. I know they are more than willing to share my burden, to be my shoulders to cry on and to jump with joy with me. But, they have their family to take care of.. I don't want to be an extra luggage to them. So, I turned to a friend who is still single (like me!) who has free time to entertain me. Z has been there for me. I guess I have become more dependant on him! Darn! And this dependency leads to high expectations. And when he failed to fulfill one of them, I became very crossed with him. I have realised this now. I shall recollect myself and be more independent - physically, emotionally and sprititually. What choice do I have?

And another thing hit me - I am just a chatting friend to Z. I'm not his real friend. He doesn't have to say it out loud, I understand it now. Yeah, you might think I've jumped to a nasty conclusion. But the signs have been there all this while. I just refused to see them. Now, I have to live with it whether I like it or not... I'll be ok.. I know I will...

learning more...expecting less...

Before I got the courage to start this blog, I did blog-hopping. Yeah, I hopped from one blog to another. (I'm pretty sure I am not the only weirdo who does this, am I?) I am not an IT wizard you see. I was (and am still) quite ignorant about this visual life in the Internet world. So, I was surprised to find lots of people, I mean common people who have their own blog. I thought only those who are famous/popular or travel frequently or live in another country are 'allowed' to build a blog. Hmmmph.. that shows what a nitwit I am...

Anyway, blog-hopping is kind of cool. You read about other people's life and their great stories and I even left a note or two. Hmm... I don't think I wanna stop doing it. Hei, maybe someday, they would visit my blog and leave some comments! hahahahaha... wishful thinking eh? No, no.. I'm teaching myself to expect less if not nothing. This blog is built because I need a channel for me to pour my heart out. And that would be enough...

Clueless

Am I expecting too much from people? I did a character analysis once and the results says that I expect people to give me as much as I give them. It is true I suppose. or else I wouldn't be feeling like this! I wouldn't be so mad with Z.. or am I mad with myself actually?

I should have known that Z doesn't really care for me as much as I care for him. Hei, don't get me wrong. I care for him as a friend. We are not romantically involved! I believe I always treat him well especially when he comes to my hometown. We would go out with other friends, eat, chat and sometimes bowl. So when I go to his area, I anticipate the same treatment. I mean, he did ask me to inform him whenever I drop by his territory. But he's a man. Men come from a different planet from my species. We don't see things from the same angle or care about the same stuff. Thus, last month, when I told him a few days earlier about me coming to KL, I was hoping him to at least call me. But he did not. When I was back in Perak, he admitted he forgot about it. OOOKAY... bengang dah sikit..

2 weeks later, again I had to go to KL. Told him about it a couple of days beforehand. Expected him to call me. Again nothing. And again, later, he confessed he forgot! Boleh???? Lupa lagi??? Then he blamed me for not calling or texting him instead! What??????

2 days ago, I had a meeting in KL. This time around I texted him. Asked him out for a late supper right after my meeting. I just wanted to see him because I had things to tell him and needed his advice. After my meeting, I texted him. No reply. When I reached my sister's place and showered and stuff, I texted him again. No reply. I was a bit pissed. I was pretty sure he was snoring his way to the dreamland and I was right. Early in the morning, during sahur, he apologised through sms for dozing off early and missed the supper. I didn't reply. I was still mad. I didn't eat much during my fast-breaking because I wanted to dine with him. Thus, my late supper (which I had alone in front of TV) was only a piece of bun and a small box of chocolate milk which I bought at the nearest 7-E. Thefore, that morning, I was both hungry and angry.

Arrggghhh! I hate this! I dont want to be in this situation. I still want his friendship but at the same time I don't want him to take me for granted! Am I being irrational here? Am I being childish? Don't I have the right to be furious? Don't I deserve to be treated well? But the biggest questions now, where do I go from here? What should I do? And what do I want? Honestly, I don't have the answers....

Me and BB

'Once bitten twice shy'. Twice bitten? It shows how gullible you are. Three times bitten? You are a bloody fool! And that's me! A bloody fool. Gosh, I don't know why, but I keep on making the same mistakes! Is it because I am too forgiving? Or I put friendship above all? Or I always expect too much from people and end up feeling bereft? Or I am just merely a fool? I will let the world to be the judge. This is how my story goes..

I've known BB for 4-5 years now. There was something about him that made me hooked on him from the very moment we met. We got along pretty well. At one time I fell foolishly in love with him. But we ended up as close friends which was ok with me. Really! Nevertheless, it wasn't easy to be his friend. God knows how many times I cried for the misery he caused me. He announced to the world that I was his bestest friend! Me? As much as I loved him I wanted to run away but failed every time. Just like the song sung by I-dont-remember-who "I wanna walk but I run back to you. That's why I hate myself for loving you!" Maybe because he could be an angel at times.

Anyway, one day I was in deep shit. Financial shit! He was quite well off and people always asked for his aid. I had never asked him for a cent except for that time. He agreed to help me. And I waited. And I waited. And I called. Then I texted him. He was MIA. Vanished! Feeling cheated I turned to another source. And I survived from that shit. I felt devastated. When I needed him the most, he disappeared! And that wasn't the first time actually.. I then learnt to live without him. Life was good after that. I met new people, enjoyed new crowd. Three months later, he knocked on my door. He said he was sorry. He explained that he did try to help me but it caused him his job. That was why he made himself invisible. But he could have told me that earlier right? And I should have slammed the door on his face right? But no! He once again became a part of my world! Yeah the word 'loser' was vividly engraved on my forehead!

He got married not long after that. I helped him with the arrangement. Things that he should discuss with his future wife, he discussed with me! I told him that after he said 'I do', our friendship should end there. I didn't want a green-eyed wife to call me in the middle of the night! But neither happened. The friendship continued and the wife seemed to understand this platonic tie that I had with the husband. Well, he did change a little bit. Not so much misery anymore to be his friend..until last 2 months. I was starting on a career project. And to boost it up, I needed some financial help. He VOLUNTEERED to help me! I DID NOT ASK HIM! He promised to give me an amount of money. Boy, was I relieved! When the time came, I called him to collect his words. He promised to see me that weekend. But he was nowhere to be seen. A week later, I texted him. No reply. Followed by a phone call. No answer. More texting. He said he was in another continent with his lovely wife. Promised to meet me the following weekend. Another bullshit! And up to now, I heard nothing from him. Before, he would call me at least once a month, but two months have passed by without his call nor his financial aid. I was in despair. But life goes on. Now with my own will, I am surviving the financial difficulty. My career project is still on the run. Money is still a problem but I'll manage it myself. Please don't get me wrong. It is not the money that made me mad. He made me a promise. He gave me his words and I hung on to each of those words. He could just call me and admit that he has no money to give and I'll be fine. That is all I need. He admitting that he is incapable of helping me rather that leaving me with false hopes.

I've been visualising how our encounter would be when he had come to his senses and remembered this friend of his. I've been drafting scripts on what to say to him. I've been plotting dramatic scenes that would leave him down on his knees, crying and begging for my forgiveness.
But, the real truth is I don't want to see him again. I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. I don't want to move from Loser to PATHETIC LOSER. I wish him well with his wife. I don't want him to be in my life anymore. No more! I am saying good bye...

a desperate move

I realised today that I have no friends! I mean real friends! There is nobody in my world except for me... now that is awfully depressing!! I am feeling awful at the moment. Heck I've been feeling like this for a week now. And for a week I've been searching for a friend, for a soul, for me to pour my heart out, to share this heavy burden on my shoulders. And yet to no avail. And that is when the reality hits me hard on the face - I've got no friends. Despite being surrounded by lots of people whom I know and they know me as well, I HAVE NO REAL FRIENDS! But I have so many stories to tell... I need to share my views about hundred and one things with someone.. I have to let go this mixed emotions in me that is like a volcano ready to erupt.. and to whom do I turn to? My laptop screen. So, here I am.. officially a blogger! How do I feel about it? Pathetic? Yup. Relieved? Yezz. Embarrassed? A little bit. Numb? Bingo! So welcome to my world - Dunia Oren