reality bites...hard!

I couldn't sleep last night.. so many things were in my mind. You see, I texted Z right after berbuka. I apologized to him (even though I wasn't sure who was actually at fault in the first place, I apologized anyway). The message went like this..

"A'kum. Z, I'm sorry. I know I've been acting ridiculously ridiculous. I was mad with myself more that I was with you. I'm learning to expect less now.. Anger is a heavy baggage that I've left behind. Berat sangat nak carry around! hehe... Sory ek.."

I waited and waited but no reply from him! So many negative things went through my head. Was he angry? Did he still wanna be my friend? What did he think of me? But later around 10.26am a message came and he said,

"Wslm. Sorry lambat balas. Bateri kong semalam. Takpe, u xde salah apa2. I'm ok je

"Boy! I am soooooo relieved! :-) Thanx for putting me out of misery. Drive safely ke kg. Kem salam kat buah hati ya. ;-)"

"Wslm. Hehe.."

So, things are back to normal.. or are they? I don't know... As I said earlier, I'm teaching myself to expect little.. But one thing for sure, I ain't gonna tell him whenever I go to KL. It's better like this... So, back to normal? NOT!!!

You must be wondering why he had so much effect on me.. Well, I've been wondering about it to! Do I like him? YES. But, not 'that' kind of like. I like his company. I like sharing things with him. He always gives me rational advice (maybe because he's a lawyer, you see). I like chatting with him. I guess I have nobody left except for him! All my best friends and good friends have their own life now. They are either married or preoccupied with their career. I know they are more than willing to share my burden, to be my shoulders to cry on and to jump with joy with me. But, they have their family to take care of.. I don't want to be an extra luggage to them. So, I turned to a friend who is still single (like me!) who has free time to entertain me. Z has been there for me. I guess I have become more dependant on him! Darn! And this dependency leads to high expectations. And when he failed to fulfill one of them, I became very crossed with him. I have realised this now. I shall recollect myself and be more independent - physically, emotionally and sprititually. What choice do I have?

And another thing hit me - I am just a chatting friend to Z. I'm not his real friend. He doesn't have to say it out loud, I understand it now. Yeah, you might think I've jumped to a nasty conclusion. But the signs have been there all this while. I just refused to see them. Now, I have to live with it whether I like it or not... I'll be ok.. I know I will...